T. Swift got it right with the following lyrics,
"We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.
It's miserable and magical."
I have been having many very mixed emotions lately. Everyday is a new adventure full of feelings and insight. For instance I went to my folks house on Monday. It was an adventure to say the least, it takes four hours to get to their house when traffic is in my favor. I had so many feelings going through me that day. The biggest emotion of that adventure was confusion. How did things end up the way they are now? Why is growing up so hard? Why are people the way they are? Can things be changed? All of these questions with no answers, it was a bit overwhelming. There were many times that I almost turned my car around and headed back to Berea. I am glad I didn't though. I may never know the answers to ease my confusion. Another adventure of this week was going to church Wednesday night. I felt overwhelmed with happiness because of the children I work with on those nights who are learning more about God each and every time. It is an amazing experience watching their faces light up with the joy that comes with knowing Jesus. On that same story I am also free. In many senses of the word I am free. I am free to do what ever I want to do with no person or thing holding me back. I can get my Master's Degree in Social Work or I can rob a bank if I so desire. Part of being free to do whatever it is I want is to realize and see the pros and cons of my actions. No longer am I able to let others make decisions for me, at 22 years of age I am expected to know what to do with my life. Most of the time however I don't know what I am doing and I just try and let God lead me where He wants me to go.
When you are 22 there are no more big milestones to hit or look forward to. I can drive, vote, buy cigarettes or alcohol, join the army. All those things adolescents look forward to, they have already passed me by. Sometimes it really bothers me. I feel like I am stuck between being a child and an adult. Where is my place. Where do I belong. I can no longer get away with feigning innocence like a child but older adults don't seem to take me seriously because "I am not old enough to have experienced the world like they have". Hearing people say you're not old enough to know what it's like or saying you're too old to watch that movie makes me feel miserable, confused, and a little lonely even.
But I don't let those moments drag me down too much because I have friends who love me and accept me and my quirks. I have a spot and at least in that simple aspect of friendship in my life I know where I belong. When I am with Cathy, Clare, Megan, and Sarah I can be happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time, as T. Swift put it so plainly. I can be me and not worry about being too young or too old and just live in the moments magical or miserable may they be.
Hey I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22!
Signing off for now,
Captain Something Fun
Of course I have to add a link to the music video for the song that inspired this post.
T. Swift- 22
1 comment:
I can definitely relate to what you are saying about not feeling quite like an adult, yet you are no longer a child. I feel like that all the time. It has its pros and cons and sometimes I wish that it wasn't so confusing, but then I think back to what a friend told me how people who seem like they have it together don't necessarily and everyone goes through times when they aren't sure what their future holds or what to do in a certain situation.
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